Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Beauty of Being 20

The 20 year old body is resilient, strong, and hard as a rock-no matter what size or shape.

At 20, someone can look as old as they want, but the youth can always be seen in the eyes.

The beauty is not just physical. 20 means trying to see how far you can get before your birthday. You test all sorts of limits, challenge every word thrown at you. Your life is just beginning. You crawl for a day then immediately start running. Only to end up back under your family's wing, safe from your own craziness.

At 20 you live freely, getting up and going as long as funds are permissive. There is no "tied down." You can take off of work and go as you please.

Feel free to dream. There are so many years ahead of you that it is okay to change your college major like you change shoes. You have enough time to get it right.

Around 20 you might meet someone who sweeps you off of your feet, and at this age, it's ok to just have fun. There's no need to feel obligated to anyone. You have a while before settling down may enter your mind, so why get serious if you don't want to?

The firsts around this age are astounding-buying yourself a car for the first time, getting your first apartment, being in your first serious relationship, and taking a solo trip for the first time.

With all these glories of youth, why would I waste my time with your washed-up, 36 year old self? You have EXPIRED. You have children, and I'm having too much fun to be someone's step mother. I want you to dream with me, and grow up with me. You've done all your dreaming and have tasted the world. Your current job is your career. You are done for. Me? My life has just begun. So, why should I let you stifle my growth?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Anti-Turkey Day

So I am coming from under my rock to tell you all that I am terrified of Thursday. It has been forever since I haven't feared Thanksgiving. In recovery or not, everyone like me is on edge. My solution? I'm not celebrating it. I'm going to knock back an ambien and bury my head under the blanket all day. This way I can protect myself from the anxiety and spare anyone else from having to see me. I feel like I'm getting soooo fat. I'd actually prefer to just... deal with my issues myself. With my cats lol. 

HOWEVER, Saturday is my family function here. Hmmm... Maybe it's not the holiday, maybe it's the social eating that scares me. Maybe it's the fact that everyone will meet my boyfriend. Maybe it's the people in my family that I roll my eyes at. Who knows. Pray for me!!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Generation Me

I feel as though I need to talk about old folks. I feel like after bashing young people yesterday I need to talk about the older set.

When I say old folks, I mean the people that are over 30 and have children. Last night my brother was complaining about Generation Me. It's "Me, me, me" with this up and coming generation. We have our hands out-constantly expecting them to be filled. He said when he was in school, he was happy to get a B on something, nowadays we fight our way to A's. I have one thing to say to that. Hell yes. I refuse to settle for less.

See I don't believe I deserve handouts of any sort. I believe in good old hard work-give-me, give-me, is not my motto. I will agree, though, that some do expect to be taken care of. But back to what I was saying-

Who sets these standards for us but our parents? Do they not realize that we undergo evolution, whether or not they know it. Think about sports. I'm sure at one time 60 seconds was a good 400 meter time, but people get better and faster over time. Times change, and people must also change. We must find something new to strive for. Plus it seems like anything less than perfect these days is irrelevant. I didn't set these rules, I just follow them. Parents do nothing but perpetuate the cycle that says almost doesn't count. You almost won. Well almost doesn't count Little Matthew. Any parent who says they don't pressure their children into greatness is lying.

My dad used to tell me that I had to be like my cousin Cicely. Cicely found herself a good man-she did everything the right way. She's educated, she knows how to talk to people. You should too. I love my cousin, and she is a great woman, but I think that parents should allow their children to carve out their own mold, not fit the perfect one before them.

Yesterday my professor accused me of trying to smooth talk my way through life when I'm actually sometimes DEAD wrong. That statement pissed me off, even though that's accurate. He wasn't saying it because he knew me. He has me in his class an hour and a half, twice a week. For mass communications-a class with no assignments, just a midterm and final. What could I possibly smooth talk my way through? He was trying to lump me together we those sorry excuses for students that he deals with daily. I have this philosophy: If you can get into something, then you can get out of it. That's when my smooth talking comes into play.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank competing mom cheerleading coaches fixing competitions, and dads fighting at peewee football games for us fighting our way to the top. Let's not forget about those go-getter moms who fight other women on Black Friday for toys for their children. Next time you point a finger at the younger generation, remember that lame cliche about how many are pointing back at you...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Here's Johnny!!

There is a scene in "The Shining" where Jack chases Danny through a frozen maze. He's running from his once-warm father. That reminds me of my life. I run through my own confusing maze. My eating disorder chases me, trying to grab a hold of me. Daily it feels as though I'm growing weary, but my mental drive evokes my second wind. I think the longer I run, the more tired Ana grows. This week is proof. I've been going crazy, but I've been able to fight the urge to wave the white flag and just stop eating. I think I'm proud of myself.

Anyway, my speech professor said something last week that made me laugh, but I think it's rather accurate. She said, "Sometimes the glass is half-empty. Sometimes you just spill the whole damn thing." I think kids constantly bump the table. You know that whole definition of insanity? That's fits in with my next thought.

Ok, today I'm going to talk about kids. They have lost their DAMN minds. They come out of the womb and try to sit up before they're able. Then they want to cry when they tip over. They try to go from crawling to running, and that has like the same outcome. They try to feed themselves before they can even speak, and the bowl's empty and so are their stomachs. They want to cook before they can spell cook, and they touch a hot pot and need their boo-boo kissed.

It gets WORSE as they get older. They stay out late with the wrong crowd, and they get brought home in cop cars. They stay up too late and fall asleep in class the next day. They have sex before they're ready and end up pregnant.

Wise up, children. Your parents don't tell you things to harm you, they tell you to keep your dumb asses from getting hit by busses or catching on fire. It seems like you can't say anything to them nowadays. I remember someone was talking about why parents can't hit their kids nowadays. Because kids now have GUNS. What in the world?! I don't have any kids, but I feel as though I am young AND old enough right now to say that kids need ass whoopings from time to time. My future children will know not to mess with me. Curse at me, and you'll be screaming bloody REDRUM.

I remember once when I was like 16 I was getting smart with my mom as I was coming downstairs. Would you believe I fell down those steps while I was mouthing off?

Start showing respect for your parents, or else you might as well lie on train tracks and play chicken. What happens when a dog bites its owner? It gets put down. Why should kids be any different? Fluffy knows not to bite the hand that feeds her, what makes you different Jessica? You need to be put down or put out. That sounds fair.


All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Well all play and no work will get Jack's butt kicked out of the house.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Long time no blog

So I know I've been MIA, but I've been really busy. I've been chasing down interviews and ringing up disgruntled grandparents at Gap Kids. I've been so busy that I've been combining tasks. I study on the treadmill, I write at work on the back of receipts. I've been writing my queries in bio class. I'm kinda happy that my feature writing prof is letting me run free. Just as long as all my assignments get done. This week I have 10 internship apps to send out, and I still haven't finished my cover letters or my new resume. I guess since I'm a writer everyone just assumes I have everything in the bag. I also must think of my speech topic. I wanted it to be how to give a cat a bath. There's also the option of how to taste wine. Whatever I do it has to have some significance to my life. Dawn tolde me to do chakra meditation, but that isn't significant to me. The cat bath does and the wine (family of alcoholics lol). Whatever I do it has to be taken care of by tomorrow.

Tom met the family this weekend. Yes, and I met his kids. I don't know what I'm still doing with him. Maybe I like him because he makes me feel wanted? Maybe I don't like him because of his age? I'm indifferent about having him around. That's right, old guy is still in my life.

After he left, I felt like getting into some trouble. Dawn said go live a little. Hmmm... go act without thinking? I'd be thinking afterwards, but she told me not to think-just act. She and Phil told me to pack an outfit for work and said they'd see me the next night. So, I did and headed to Tom's house. So what ended up happening? He gave me a foot massage and we watched the world series. Yup, I got into a lot of trouble. LOL. After I left, I was glad that nothing happened. Not thinking is overrated...

Friday, October 10, 2008

27 Hours in a Day

I am so beat up right now. I was trying to climb out of my bedroom window onto the roof for the first time, and I kinda fell out. Well, not kinda. My life flashed before my eyes. HAHA. Then when I was trying to climb back in, I fell in.

Darn it, my weekend got crazy insane, and it's just beginning. I have two deadlines Monday for my internship. I have a speech to write for class, I'm taking out my micros. I have to work, I'm going to the hair salon and I have to go take care of the event listings for the newspaper. I think I'm also going to see the Clintons and Bidens on Sunday. I need to study.

I got a C on my biology test. Not satisfied. I need to bring that grade up. I have a ton of extra credit that will bring my final grade up, but it would still be nice to not have to worry about that up front.

Today was rather interesting. I went to class, I went to work. At work today I was by myself. Friday night, Gap Kids. By myself? Crazy. There was this little kid who kept screaming, then he got this little girl to start screaming. Then the two of them started in a baby's face. The baby was crawling around on the floor. Who lets their baby crawl around on a mall floor? That had me scratching my head. Especially considering kids pee on themselves and leave puddles on our floor.

I am down 7 lbs, borderline underweight again. That wasn't purposely done, though. It excites me and scares me all at the same time. The weight I was at was medically safe. This one is more comfy for me, but would be unnerving for the fam if they knew. I'm actually a little pissed because I bought two pairs of size four pants and they're starting to get baggy. What the heck am I supposed to do since I gave my old ones away? Whatever goes down, I'm NOT drinking anymore Ensure Plus. That's for sure.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Odd ball

I do not discredit science, but it we got here through evolution, then why aren’t we still evolving? We watched an interesting video in philosophy the other day. It was all about the new advances being made in discovering the origin of man. The new findings contradict what we supposedly already know, but we just close our minds to only hear what we want. This is a knowledge filter.

This leads to today’s philosophical topic. Those who are close-minded get left behind. We put ourselves in theoretical boxes, but many times it’s out of fear. Parents are their children’s knowledge filters. Does it benefit us to shelter our children or does it stifle their growth? Are children who are exposed to a lot ruined, or are they just wiser?

Last year I read Plato’s The Republic, and the professor this year has us looking at the “Allegory of the Cave.” In it there are a bunch of prisoners who are chained and all they can see are the shadows in front of them on the wall. They don’t know they are prisoners, and they know nothing about the sun or what is outside of the cave. They are challenged to break free from those mundane surrounds. I thought about what I would do in that situation. Do I break free from what I know and go out and up towards the light? Honestly, I think I would persuade someone to try it out and come back and tell me. LOL I wouldn’t do something like that alone. I honestly don’t know what I would do, I have a history of jumping in head first. My impulses have gotten me in trouble in the past, hence the reason why I would send someone else out exploring. Okay, I’m getting off topic. Back to the story. The prisoners did not want to believe that they were prisoners. They were fine with their shadows.

Now, I will tie this back to parenting. I was very sheltered growing up, unlike my cousins. Who was better off? Some parents choose to be constant safety nets for children and shields keeping out questionable material. I did not see the world early on in my life. Is that a problem? I don’t believe I'm stunted, but I don’t believe my cousins are either. I think past childhood it’s all up to us to handle our business.

I think all of this goes beyond the knowledge filter. Some people are content with their own “shadow worlds.” My family is content with their existences. If they weren’t wouldn’t they just try to change? TRUE learning is turning away from what we know. We must criticize everything and be our own guide. We can’t control anyone else’s destiny for learning. I am an odd ball because I challenge everything. I left the state to go school, I’m living about two hours from where I grew up. I’m taking on a field that is not always successful. None of this is “safe.” That's okay with me!

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Ok, so I'm just getting off of work at Gap Kids. My days are pretty funny because I deal with soccer moms and screaming children. Would you believe that soccer moms are the biggest shop lifters? It's crazy how much merchandise we lose daily-more than the adult side, that's for sure. Here are some of my favorite tales from work:

A woman walked in with her young son. He had to be like 4, and he was asking her a question. She said, "Shut up you little shit," and he repeated her. She freaked out and said, "Don't you dare talk to mommy like that!!!"

One lady made her eight year old cry. They were going on vacation and the girl invited two friends, but only one was allowed to go. The mom started screaming at her, blaming her for all her life's problems. The littel girl started crying hysterically.

A kid tried to walk out of the store with a mannequin-enough said there.

This lady was yelling at her kid in a stroller. She kept screaming, "Sit!! Sit!!" over and over, and the little boy started barking. LMAO

One lady started smacking her kids around in the store. She dragged them out of there crying.

Today, however, I didn't deal with any craziness-just busy work. There were a lot of customers, and I was main cashier. Today this lady told me to go further than retail. LOL, I wasn't offended, I told her I'm a college student, and I will. Hmmm... The customers say that I really know how to sell stuff, so I should go into a field that requires persuasion. I do admit, I am not afraid to engage in a conversation, but I think journalism will do for me. Hey, it kinda rocks my socks.

That reminds me of something. A lot of people who work there, REALLY work there. I know my next move-well I kinda do. I freak out now about the thought of not having a career, but what about those people who are older and depend on this work? When I say older, I mean over 25. After that, you're kinda outta school, and should be starting some kind of career. I'm so high strung that I would not be able to live with myself. I guess I let my family and the media influence me enough to feel like I have to MAKE IT in order to make it. Hey, I'm still young, so I have some time to screw up and change my mind, so I really can't worry about it now.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Movin up in the journalism world

So I saw Joe Biden speak yesterday. I think after waiting for two hours and unintentionally skipping class, the speech was well worth it.  He discussed our economic crisis, and plans to fix it. He really got the crowd fired up.

On my Facebook I changed my status to one about me writing an article about Biden's speech. My friend called me out of the blue. This is the one who works on Capitol Hill. He asked me to send him the finished product of my article, some of his people would like to see it. He said "I'm gonna hook you up Tonya on this  one. I'll scratch your back. People want to know about Biden, and they want to see your writing." My professor just edited my article for me, and I feel like it's good to go. I'm excited about DC seeing my journalistic capabilities. 

Alright, so I know not everyone reading this enjoys politics or hearing about my future plans, but I think it's necessary to say. I have so many negative things happening everyday with my eating disorder and my family, I need something to smile about. God gives me opportunities to show I can rise above, and I am taking advantage. I think that's the wise thing to do-don't you?

Okay, so there's this guy I've kinda been interested in. He's sexy, and he seems very genuine and intelligent. He told me he was going to see Biden speak, so I was blown away. He has some common sense too lol. Now that I suddenly have things to do, I don't think I really care about him. It took me an hour to decide I don't like him anymore. Oh well. lol. My DC friend has been on my mind lately anyway... 

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Odd Day

So today started off very strange. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t fall back asleep. There was the most annoying cat outside my window. I swore it was Sid, but he was in the house. I managed to fall back asleep and get up at my normal time. I still managed to be late for class lol. I discovered my desktop had internet for the first time in like a week, so I took advantage. Facebook made me late for class (sigh).

I went to get in the car and I couldn’t find the car keys. Where the hell did they go? I was running around like a madwoman trying to find them. I noticed Dawn was up, and she told me they were on the third floor. Grrrr…. I went outside and noticed the garbage man pulling up. He blocked me in!! I finally got to school, and as I reached the parking lot my song came on-“Sure Looks Good to Me” by Alicia Keys. I stayed in the car and blasted the song. It was as good as ALWAYS. Lol. Then I ran across campus to my mass communications class. I breathlessly strolled in, and the professor knew it was me without even looking up. He told me to research chicken manure. Um… okay? Then we watched an episode of Family Guy. FREAKIN AWESOME!!!

Here’s something interesting today. In philosophy class, many unanswered questions were discussed in a video. It had to do with the development of the world and the accuracy of what has been laid out for us to believe. So I thought about something-If I could ask God anything, I’d ask:
· Who built Stonehenge?
· Where is Atlantis?
· Are we the only ones, or are others out there?

I just got back from seeing Joe Biden speak. It took sooo long so I wound up missing my public speaking class. I'm not too upset, though, because I got to see a speech lol. Plus I get to feel what it's really like to be a journalist. You finish up at an event then you run and type it up. I feel kinda important, too. Dawn's going to make the kids write papers on the speech today since they didn't get to do schoolwork (they do school online). They have to rely on the notes that I took to write their paper. I took down sooo many quotes. This should be a good one!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Philosophy Class

Today my philosophy professor went off on a tangent talking about Lance Armstrong. She is fascinated with him battling cancer and still competing. She believes that we should be inspired by him. "Extreme people are road maps for what we can do." 

Wow, that quote has burned a whole through me all day. I believe it.  I know I probably said it before, but we control our directions in life. I reject "The Man" theories and my gender holding me back. I control my own destiny. I control my education, my finances, my recovery, my happiness. I refuse to let negative thinking hold me back. 

The professor asked how we approach education. The Greeks-like many other cultures, saw education as a privilege. What is the point of being in school if I'm not going to jump in whole-hearted? I feel like my attitude toward  school is changing. Many days I look at school as a chore, rolling my eyes as I get out of bed. Everyday I need to want to learn. I always wondered whether or not I'm wasting my time in college, but school is not to get a good job, but to educate myself. I need to stop trying to rush through this semester and just take it slow, absorb ever piece of information thrown at me. 

She also posed another question-What are words and the power of words? Now, I can't define words, but I can discuss their power. A word's magnitude is not determined by its length. BE is a two-letter word, but it is profound. It means to exist. Humans BEings exist. Mankind IS, which is another word similar to BE. God is the great I Am.  What does antidisestablismentarianism mean to me? Nothing, but LOVE means a great deal to me. It is everything. GOD shapes me, has made me, and defines me. Words like HATE can pierce the soul, WAR can tear people apart. MONEY ruins us all. Hmmm... I think I will throw some of my thought processes into my paper. I may not be able to define words, but because I FEEL, I can talk about their power. 

(sigh) It's amazing how much I learn when I stay awake in class...

Sunday, September 21, 2008


I feel like I don't measure up for my family. I really feel like everyone thinks that I have it too easy, so I am tightening up my schedule. I don't know whether this will help me or hurt me, but my schedule has more tasks in it now. Here's what's on my agenda:
  • Women for Obama group
  • Six classes
  • Working at least 3 days a week
  • Newspaper obligations
  • Radio show 1 day a week
  • And as of today, I am secretary of the Literary Arts Society-which is interesting, because they elected when I actually found out about the group only ten minutes before I strolled in.
  • Applying for summer internships
  • Submitting query letters and writing samples for publications
  • Hanging with the chittlin's
Oh yeah, and I'm applying for an internship like... after I finish typing this blog. The internship, work, and school are of course at the top of my lists. Of course, hanging with the kids too. I want/need them to see this well-put together side of me-the side that eats and has friends and gives a darn about life.

I really like the thought of a tight schedule, not just because I want my family to think I'm a hard worker. I really need to retrain myself to take a beating, so that I can handle it later when my career throws me strife. It also keeps me from feeling too much, and that could lead to a problem because being super busy leads to me not thinking about eating. I'm learning how to balance a go, go, go lifestyle and healthy eating, which is something I had never really mastered. My eating disorder always used that as a crutch. I'm taking six classes so that I can knock some out before I go back to St. John's. This will save me some money. I'm also contemplating taking one or two online classes over winter break.

For now, I'm just going to cross my fingers and stay positive. I'm excited about the possibilities of my future!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

My introduction

Ok I think i should say a little about me. I am 20 years old, and I am in college. I'm doing a semester at some weird community college in Nowheresville, PA, but my heart is at St. John's University. I am a journalism student. This is because since I was a young child, I have been able to write my butt off. I am a nomad. In the last year I have lived in three states, my most recent being PA. Each place leaving a crumb trail WORTH telling about. I'm currently staying with my older sister Dawn, in attempts to keep me grounded.

What are my intentions for this blog? I guess to enlighten everyone about the daily happenings in my life. What makes my life special? I have crazy stuff happen to me all the time, I know how to write to get attention, I will make my mark with my writing. I am also in recovery for an eating disorder, for which I struggle daily. Mix in some sarcasm, some idealistic thoughts, some cultural hang-ups, and 20 year old nonsense, I think you have the formula for an interesting blog. ENJOY!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008


We are all only as powerful as we think. I am going to go really far. How do I know? Because I feel it in my bones. My possibilities are limitless. I'm going to make my mark with journalism, just because I want to. The passion burns in my soul. 

I refuse to just... make it? How will I grow? My dreams are too big to be bottled up. What happens if you shake up a soda bottle? The contents come exploding out. My ideas shake up the bottle, and prosperity will leak out when it gets the chance...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ballet Flats

Straps that cross like an X
Leaving an imprint on the top of my foot
Black, with worn leatherC
arrying me from points A to B, Y to Z
My favorites
They've strolled down SOHO streets
Stepped in Philly subways
Walked dirt trails and blacktops
They've attracted gum, leaves, mud
And of course my eager feet
They've carried me through it all
Conforming to my every move
Aiding in a quick exit, dashing from conflict
Comforted my shaken toes as I prepare for a great feat
Even caught me as I, like a child, jumped off of a swing
These shoes have seen miles
And it amazes me they're still intact
I take a lesson from them
Model after their surprising sturdiness
My soul, worn down like the flats'
Still remains
It's awesome how everyday they make it
Here I stand and so do they